F'ing Fall

IT'S DECORATIVE

GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS.

BY COLIN NISSAN

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode ofDiff'rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it's fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

One Year Ago

BF and I said, "I do" in the garden of the Marvimon House in Los Angeles. Well, almost one year ago...just three days away. However, I will be sipping something fruity and fuerte on the beach in Curacao on our actual anniversary.

So, I am taking just a moment to be a bit mushy...and frankly, quite annoying! I am even more madly in love with my husband than I was the night we met. I wake up every morning thankful for having such a kind, silly, loving, fearless, smart, funny, strong and super cute best friend. I am positively over the moon in excitement for all of the adventures that lie ahead of us. I am the luckiest gal in the world!

Images by Tina Brogi for FOTOBIO.com

Yes, please

Just got this recipe from Dennis over at Cakebread Cellars and I can't wait to try it! May have to make some substitutions depending on what I can find here in Bogota.

Braised Beef in Sesame-Ginger Sauce:

1/2 oz. dried shitakes
1/4 c. soy sauce
1/4 c. mirin

2 lbs. beef for stewing, cut into 1" cubes
2 T. vegetable oil
salt & pepper
6 carrots
3/4 lbs. daikon raddish
1/3 c. sesame seeds, toasted
1 clove garlic, chopped
1 tsp. red miso
1 tsp. rice wine vinegar

1/4 c. green onion minced
1 T. sesame seeds, toasted

Place dried shiitakes in a large saucepan. Cover with 1 quart of water and soak for 10 minutes. Add the soy sauce and mirin and bring to a boil. Remove from the heat and allow to steep for 20 minutes. Strain through a fine mesh strainer and set aside.

Season the beef with salt and pepper. Heat a wide-bottom pan over high heat. Add the oil and sear the beef in batches. Cook until brown on all sides. Drain all the oil out of the pan, return the beef to the pan with grated ginger and cover with the mushroom broth. Bring to a simmer, turn the heat to low, cover and simmer for 2 hours, until beef is tender. Cut the carrots and daikon into one-inch pieces. Add to the beef and simmer for another 30 minutes until tender. While the beef is cooking, place the sesame seeds, garlic, miso paste and rice wine vinegar in a blender jar. Add a ½ cup of the broth from the beef and puree until smooth. Add to the beef and stir to incorporate. Ladle into warm bowls and garnish with green onion and sesame seeds.

Enjoy with a Cakebread zinfandel.

Less than a week

Curacao Bound by ckferrari on Polyvore.com

Decisions. Decisions.

BF and I will be attending the Marine Corps Ball, celebrating the 235th birthday of the U.S.M.C., in mid-November. The plan was to have a dress made, but the likelihood of that happening is growing quite slim. So, the backup plan is to order a dress online. Hmmm...which one to pick? Want to order soon so I at least have time for alterations and shoe shopping.

(Images via Mikael Aghal gown/BlueFly.com; BCBG.com; J.Crew.com)

This Is It

...I think. I'm pretty certain that this is the bed that I want. Yeah, this is the one. I love the colors. I love the scale. I love the plush, un-stuffy look of it. Perfect.

(Image via This Is Glamorous)

Finally!!!

RALLY TO RESTORE SANITY
10.30.10

It's about time this happened! And what I would give to be there. Hilarious and awesome.

Creepy? Weird? Creepy weird?

I just found out that my husband was born with so much thick, black hair that they actually had to cut it the day he was born. That's weird, right? Kind of creeps me out.